the Early History of the fire blights
Joseph Priestley, The Aggrieved
Those versed in the history of science will no doubt recognize the name Joseph Priestley, Fellow of the Royal Society, a man whose contributions to the human community cannot be overstated. (Priestley is credited with the discovery of oxygen, for instance. How mankind breathed prior to his famed 1774 experiment which produced dephlogisticated air has been recorded in no history book of which our archival team is aware). What is less widely known is the story of the calamity that precipitated Priestley's flight from England in the last decade of his distinguished life.
Joseph Priestley, it is true, was an adamant proponent of the inverse-square law, I ∝ (1/d2), a theory which from its first appearance had its detractors. Yet none of those detractors were as vehement or as menacing as Joseph Crabtree, the poet, polymath, and notorious rogue. Crabtree, villain that he was, set about besmirching and slandering Priestley over his staunch support of the law and, inciting a tavern full of "sufficiently well-lubed" drinkers to destructive ends, led a mob to Priestley's Birmingham homestead which was unceremoniously burned to the ground.
Recognizing the threat posed to life and limb (to say nothing of his cherished reputation, garnered over decades of dedicated study and intellectual pursuit) by a crazy-eyed mob of degenerates drunk on cheap brandy and Crabtree's poetic prowess, Priestley packed up what little belongings were not lost in the flames and fled to America where he spent the rest of his days in sullen reflection (See, Jones, 1957, p. 26).
Poor Priestley's Demise
When Priestley died in Pennsylvania in 1804, he was a broken man. At 70 years old, he had been living in exile for nearly 10 years. What was worse, in the aftermath of "The Inverse-square Affair" as it was dubbed in the British tabloids, Crabtree rose in the eyes of world and attained a stature men such as Joseph Priestley could only dream of. The pain and humiliation was too much for the old scientist to bear and on February the 6th, he curled up and died.
It ought to be reckoned yet another gift of Providence that we mortals are not able to attend our own funerals. For had Priestley been alive to witness his memorial service, he would certainly have died a second death from outrage. For, there in the crowd hiding among the true mourners was none other than Joseph Crabtree, the scoundrel, dressed (as if to mock Priestley's begrudgingly accepted new home) as the recently deceased George Washington (cf. Salmond, 1994).
In the Wake of Priestley's Death
Seeing the affront for what it was and knowing the blasphemous scandal caused by Crabtree's ludicrous masquerade as the first President during Washington's tenure in the White House (see, Salmond, 1994, pp. 5-6), Thomas Jefferson - who attended the funeral in his official capacity as President of the United States - seethed with animus for the impudent poet-turned-practical-joker. The insult, he insisted, could not be allowed to stand. Not only did he refuse to shake Crabtree's hand, he even turned his back on the vile deceiver and would not so much as acknowledge his presence.
Crabtree left in a huff, but Jefferson was more perturbed than he. "I disdain him," he said, "as much as I disdain Adams."
A Secret Society is Born
It is no secret that the most potent natural enemy to the Malus genus of tree - the genus to which the crabtree belongs - is the the bacterium Erwinia amylovora which causes the disease commonly known as "fire blight." That disease, Jefferson and his cronies thought, provided an apt name for a secret society dedicated to the undermining and outright suppression of all things pertaining to the poet (and, as Jefferson called him, "pockified pecker") Joseph Crabtree.
Returning to the Pennsylvania Avenue from Pennsylvania proper, Jefferson assembled his cabinet for a closed-door meeting. What was discussed in that meeting has never been disclosed and all classified documents have since been lost. (It has been claimed that records from the event were destroyed when the British set fire to Washington DC in 1814, but recent discoveries in the Fenwick Archives reveal that Crabtree was actually among the invading redcoats and that he scoured the city in search of evidence of the Fire Blights only to return to his home in Chipping Sodbury emptyhanded).
What is known, however, is that a secret society of anti-Crabtrites was born, The Fire Blight Society, operating with the approval of the American government and access to taxpayer funded resources, dedicated to promoting "a conspiracy of silence" (see, Sutherland, 1954, p. 1) that aimed at eroding Crabtree's significance and obscuring his legacy.